"I mean, I swear to god, your dicks would have blown out of the back of your assholes if you had been there, hand to God."

"I was at The Rosewood for lunch. I mean, it was the lunch hour. I was there, I wasn't eating, the usual. So, I walk over to Andreessen and I say something funny, but he stone-faces me."

"It's not. But the people that I just walked away from don't know that. All they know is that I'm over there exchanging witty banter with McNamee, and about what, they don't know. It's all that they do want to know. And then, it settles in. FOMO... The fear of missing out. Suddenly, it feels like time is slowing down. I could see every move I was going to make 12 steps ahead. It was like I was Bobby Fischer if he could really fuck. I go outside, I walk across the street to Graylock, I check in on Instagram, Vinod Khosla calls me, asks me what I doing there. I say, "I can't talk right now. Call me at Wood Opal." Well, he does, and then suddenly Wood Opal is going, "What's Khosla got going on with Bachman?" Meanwhile, I'm taking a leak at a Restoration Hardware. I jack off a little bit. I don't cum. And then it snowballs. I deftly played Ross Loma against Index Ventures. And because of that, the big kahuna bites. Sequoia. I spend the next 20 minutes denying calls from Jim Goetz, over and over. And yes, I'm jacking off, but I don't need to ejaculate because by the time I listen to the messages, I've got offers, I've got counters, I've got counter-counters. I cum. When the dust settled and the losers went home, all that was left was this. "Hello, Mr. Bachman. "Coleman Blair Partners would like to offer Pied Piper a Series B round of $6 million on a $60 million valuation.""

"Well, not exactly. Uh, I called Big Head to tell him that our share was worth half a mil each, and, uh, not five minutes later, his father, one Nelson Bighetti, Sr. called me and explained that I was never to have any financial dealings with his son in perpetuity, uh, ever or he would get very Italian on me. And I'm not interested to find out what that means."

"I'm actually using the first dollars of my blog windfall on a trip to Kainchi Dham Ashram in Nainital, India, where Steve Jobs famously sought peace and came up with the idea for a little product called the Lisa."

"Yeah, but there's a Maserati in the driveway."

"You know, Jian-Yang, the silence in the car gave me some time to think about the fact that our differences... Jesus! Sorry. Jian-Yang!"

"It doesn't matter. The point is, it was hilarious, but he gave me nothing and neither did his friends. Then I realized why."

"Ah. The nest wherein the asp doth coil."

"How do they look?"

"You know, Russ, I've been known to fuck myself."

"No, Gilfoyle, but that is. No, it's that everybody thinks Pied Piper is in this death spiral, so it would be inappropriate to laugh at my hysterical joke. And it hits me. I know something that they don't. I know about the uptick."

"Richard, I will expect you off the premises by end of day. Monica."

"What?"

"Return on investment!"

"You look like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago, Gilfoyle."

"You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!"

"I'm gonna let him have this one. All right, uh well, I'm sorry to hear that, Future Me. What a terrible thing. I'll talk to you in several years."

"If all goes well, it is the beginning of the era of Erlich Bachman and his funky Asian dude friend Jian... Jian? Jian-Yang!"

"Who painted that disappointment?"

"I just spent the last 16 hours cherry-picking Friars Roasts for the premium old-man jokes. Essentially, I'm going to beat him to death with his own titanium hips. Not just for me, but for Richard."

"I don't know. I can't remember. But I walk over and I see McNamee's having the short rib, which I hear is delicious but not too heavy, and then I say to him, "You're gonna have to tuck in your tie-dye if you want to eat here.""

"CJ sold the blog for $2 million."

"Go for Erlich."

"Every time we've gotten a whiff of success, a giant pelican by the name of Fate takes a four-and-a-half- pound shit right on top of us."

"Yes, the uptick! The recent sudden surge in users."

"That. Yes, that. So, while our fortune is rising, everybody else thinks that it's plummeting, and I can use these opposing forces to a multiplying effect like a slingshot, and then I make a decision. I'm gonna make a move. So, I say something cryptic about the uptick, and I walk away."

"It's my Mona Lisa. And the entire cornerstone upon which I built this m@therfucking cathedral that I will forever be remembered for, was this beautiful little uptick. I think I have a bottle of Cold Duck in the crisper. Who's drinking? Come on! I got a bottle of Martinelli's for you, Jared."

"All you had to do was keep your fucking mouth shut and sign that piece of paper. We would have fixed it afterwards. But you didn't. You caked your pants. No, better yet, you caked my pants. Fuck you, Richard Hendricks. Fuck you."

"Just maintain eye contact, light some scented candles and throw in some Sade. The early stuff, though, before her arrangements got too baroque."