"I oughta knock your teeth, you bitch-made m@therfucker."

"Richard: What is this? Russ: It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest. Three days of partying, sucking, and f*cking on a plot of land so far out even Nevada barely wants it."

"In a fairy tale turned nightmare come to life, thousands of rats streamed onto the streets of San Francisco today. \nPied Piper's phones broadcasting intense ultrasonic sounds that began repelling the rats. \nThe streets of Seattle became the streets of Sea-rat-tle, and everyone was sleepless. \nGiants fans going home happy today as the Cubs go down swinging to the... Holy sh1t! \nThey're calling it "Rat-mageddon". Yeah. Except in New York, where they're calling it Wednesday."

"You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet? You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that? That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with. I'll pay for it, whatever it costs. Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jinathon. Business class? Premium economy. You fly one way. Don't you need a visa to go to China? Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt. That sounded... ominous, but, gents, it's as I was saying: Where there's a will, there's a way... just not for you guys."

"Gay dating site."

"So right now, I will send to you all the very first message ever to be sent on a de-centralized, peer-to-peer Internet. Ready?"

"So everybody is very psyched."

"You're no Stallion."

"I guess that's what happened to my lavender cheese."

"I'm finishing a story I'd love a comment on. It's about the death of an unpermitted Indian elephant named Maurice in your sculpture garden and its subsequent illegal dumping in the San Francisco Bay."

"Failure is growth. Failure is learning. But sometimes failure is just failure. I think... I'm sorry. I didn't think it would be this hard. But goodbyes are always hard, especially when I am the one saying goodbye. Today, effective immediately, I, Gavin Belson, founder and CEO of Hooli, am forced to officially say goodbye to the entire Nucleus division. All Nucleus personnel will be given proper notice and terminated. But make no mistake. Though they're the ones leaving, it is I who must remain and bear the heavy burden of their failure."

"Some of these companies are pretty good. Flutterbeam's like really good. Of course it is. They all are. You're the belle of the ball, and these are all your swains, hoping for a glimpse of ankle."

"I'm getting a little tired of this bias against the leaders of our industry. I'm continually creating jobs and helping people, and I'm tired of getting slapped for it. I didn't steal the money I have, and I resent being treated like I did. You know, there is a climate in this country that is very dangerous."